Thirty-five, and I know the heart of my life is good.

Thirty-five. Today I am thirty-five. I remember my mentor once telling me how surprising it is at how fast life goes by - and it's true.

But, here I am. Thirty-five. 35. And, oh, what a year it has been. A year of highs and a year of very low lows. I'm here, though. I've made it through.

Here's a recap.

Low: Having my law firm offer become a soft offer, which is no offer. Essentially the equivalent of being emotionally, psychologically, and professionally shot in the gut. That is what it felt like, both the immediacy and the after affects. The life I had planned on for a year was gone in the span of a phone call. And, it wasn't just the immediate day-to-day things that were gone, but the future things. At every turn something new came up to remind me what I had lost.
High: Moving back to DC.

Low: My dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer.

High: My dad still being with me. My dad beating cancer. It is not lost on me how lucky my family is.

Low: Telling a man that a high five was wholly inappropriate after sex. (The high five conversation was the low point, not the sex. Side note: three times when it may be appropriate. 1. The actors involved are huge sports fans - they eat, drink, and live sports. 2. The actors involved are parents who are too busy to ever have sex such that when they find the time, finding the time plus the act result in a celebratory high five. 3. The actors involved discover or do something so wholly revolutionary as to create a new paradigm that defines what sex is.)
High: Telling a man that the night I spent with him was the most tender experience I had ever had with a man. And there was no sex.

Low: Not having had a conversation with my sister in eight months. I miss her, love her, and think of her every single day.
High: The hoards of new friends that have come into my life since moving back. It is reaffirming to know how good and kind people truly are. I mean you Veena, Susan, Janice, Jackie, and Andrea.

Low: Having to give up my home, having no money for stretches at a time, and feeling altogether lost.
High: The overwhelming love and support I have felt from my friends and family over the last year. Whether some of them purposely got together to discuss providing me with a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and respect and belief in me, or some of them just did it on their own, I now know what it means to have a heart so full of love, that your heart feels as though it would burst. Many, many times I felt that amount of love. I continue to.

High: My friend Dave, one of the first people I called after losing my offer, who told me: I know your life story. You've been through more crap than anyone else I know. You've also been through worse. I know you'll get through this, too.

High: My friends far from me who regularly checked in with me, talked to me, and let me unload as I struggled to figure out when and how I fit and belonged back in DC. You know how you are - Amy, Matty, Beth, Mel, Jon, Andy.

High: My friend Anne, giving me a home and sharing her humor. I am so glad for the time with Anne. We have become much better friends than I think we might otherwise have ever been. So grateful for her opening her home - but, more importantly, that time with her.

High: My friends Danielle & Demetrios, who also opened their home to me. They let me in while their first child was still a baby. They gave me the honor and the pleasure of watching my beloved Stella grow from a baby to a toddler. That's a gift - much more than the shelter they provided. I'm so honored to know them and to have been a part of their family for those months.

High: Ericka and Sheri and Nora - who always knew when I needed a hug or a laugh or a shoulder to cry on. Who always gave advice. Invaluable.

High: My dear friend Rabih, who, no matter what, has always unfailingly believed in me and regularly tells me so. He always knew when I needed something, and to preserve my pride, offered before I ever had to ask. He also provides me with shelter - and a sense of peace.

High: My dear friend Dan, who let me in when he needed someone and let me cry when I needed to, even though at times he was going through much worse. That is friendship.

High: My Aunt Sue. My spiritual guru, who reminds me this is my year, who reminds me to let other people have their joy in helping me - as people want to help. She has been my guide to accepting the grace of others, which is so hard when you have been raised to be independent. I see it , Aunt Sue. I am grateful for it, Aunt Sue. Thank you, Aunt Sue.

I've been angry. I've been raging. I've cried more tears than should be humanly possible. I've known joy at the simple things, at the little things. I have felt optimism. I've laughed loud and long. I've arrived at fearless - at creating my own rules and being unapologetic. I'm beginning to feel the gutsy me I once was. I am becoming more at home in my own skin than I have ever been.

So, in sum, as I said earlier, an up and down year. But, I wouldn't be here without the love and support of those I love, particularly my friends. If I could, I'd sing this to each one of you. Since I can't, I hope you'll take a few minutes to listen and understand that each of these friends - that gave my love, that gave my a home, that gave me food, that gave me a shoulder to cry on, that gave me laughter - are the reasons why the heart of my life is good.

Been busy.

So, I've been busy. As a result, been away. The contract lawyering I have been doing is kicking my butt. Barely time to make it to the gym and then home to get ready for the next day. Tired is me. I'll think of something better to write about tomorrow.

Adoration.

A couple of week ago, instead of looking for jobs, I spent the evening chatting online with two friends. Two separate conversations were going on for a long while with two friends (who know each other) that I now live 12 hours away from. The two know each other and, at some point, discovered that I was chatting with the other person - not that it was supposed to be a secret.

At this point, the chat with each of them became a platonic love fest for the other - with me serving as the go-between and laughing heartily. Shortly, the conversation spilled over to twitter and became a three-way platonic love fest between all three of us.

After one of my friends left, my other friend and I discussed adoration. People don't adore enough - or if they do adore one another, people just don't say it. And, it needs to be said. Every time I say it, I am reminded how lucky I am, how full of life and love and laughter my life is because of the people in it. So say it. I adore you. I adore him. I adore her.

So, here, in no particular order, and not an exhaustive list, are some of the many people I adore:

Vanessa, my sister in life, who taught me about art and beauty
Amy, my sister in the law, whom I learn about being a woman attorney from everyday
Ericka, my sister in soul, who reminds me to treat myself better and feed my soul
Matt, my patient friend, who shows me endless graciousness with his time
Mel, my wild friend, who reminds me to let myself be a little wild every now and then.
Andy, my rational friend, who reminds me to worry less than I do
Beth, my powerhouse friend, who reminds me to bring the sass and the feistiness every single day (there are days when I don't want to)

I adore you, and more, so very much.

Another day, not earning any dollars.

The job hunt continues. The hope that a document review job will come up soon. I realize it is early in the month, but I do need to earn some money to pay my bills, keep my health insurance, etc.

So, universe, help me out, will you? And, if you read this, please send some good thoughts my way.

Why I love Bono.

Yes, I know. Celebs. But, here is another reason to love Bono. Enjoy.

Late in the day

Late in the day I realized that I was supposed to start what would have been my job today. Glad it was later, rather than sooner, that I realize that today was that day.

Responses to this revelation when shared with others have been from the profane. (Have to love your friends.)

In the end, I am sad. I'm allowed to be sad. The rage is gone, but sadness I'll allow.

I know I'll be fine and I will find something better. Just going to take time.

In other news, my fantastic ability to maintain long-term patience is being joined by a new found ability to have short-term patience. Who knew?

Some days.

Some days I just don't know what to write. Today, although still in a good mood, still in joy, was a bit harder. I just miss someone. Plain and simple.

It is hard to miss someone. There are those little things. Funny little occurrences that trigger memories of shared jokes that only the other person would get or appreciate. Who do you tell now?

The urge to share your day, as you have for practically every single day for the previous year, with that person. To ask about the other person's day. Who do you ask about their day now? Who do you tell your day to?

Then there is just the plain conversation. Gone. And, it's s hole - in your day, in your being, and, sometimes, in your soul. There is a bit of an ache in the heart , which is both good and bad. It reminds you that you feel, but also that something isn't there.

Then, there is also the part that makes you feel like an idiot for liking someone for so long who didn't like you. How did you not see it? And, then you remember how good it is to like someone and how alive it makes you feel. How, even after 10 years, it is good to take a chance on someone, and it will be good to do it again.

There's a lot of change right now for me. A hell of a lot. I don't know how long it will take to get past the heartache, past the liking, to a place where I can be a friend without any additional interest. Going through this and all the rest. It could be months. Only time will tell.

Until then, I allow myself to miss, allow myself to feel silly, and smile at both. I acknowledge I'm human and look forward to finding a person who reciprocates.

Some day.

What to do on a Saturday night?

Well, I'm watching my only alma mater with a football team in a bowl. Yes, the good ol' Spartans are playing Texas Tech right about now. I'm watching from RAZ's place, complete with tea to compete with the 50 MPH wind gusts outside.

I am also going to rave about the little bit of technology I am allowed during my Digital Cleanse. In case you don't know, the Digital Cleanse is the brain child of one John Mayer (Yes, that John Mayer). So far, so good. I'll keep you posted, but I'm not missing Facebook or Twitter too much. Who knew?

So many reasons to love Ricky Gervais

Not in the least of which is his song choices on his blog. Haven't read his blog? Find it here. Oh, and register for his website while you are at it.

Another reason? This of course.

It's My Year.

I hope you were able to ring in the new year in a big and bold way. I participated in my own ritual. In all of this, the last three years of law school and since September, I have paid bare attention to my spirit. And, last night, I did. I couldn't keep from smiling all day long, even during the hard parts, when a tears flowed over and down my face, I had a smile on. I went to a movie and then went for a walk through the city. A lot of the city. In the pouring rain. And it was wonderful. I spoke my letter to the universe, of which I am a part, of in which because i am a part, I have a say. i have a voice. I voiced what I learned and what I needed. I voiced what I was letting go and what I embraced. I told the universe how helping me allows meto help others. And, I asked for something for each of those people I loved. All along my walk, I took deep breathes. In and out. Each time I exhaled, I let go of the rage, the anger, the sadness, and the heartbreak that was the majority of my year. Each time I inhaled, I breathed in, I inhaled the positiveness, the optimism, the peace, and the love that was around so that it began to flow through my blood. I walked and walked. I stopped at the Washington Monument and I walked around and looked up and sat and stood. And I kept breathing... I saw it all leave with each exgale and felt it all enter with each inhale. Smiling the entire. Sometimes with tears. And after midnight, the few people at the Washington Monument that had grown to a hundred, erupted in cheers and shouts of Happy New Year. As I and others left, people stopped one another and we all shared in the hope that is in the new year, in 2010. In My Year.

That is what I did. I found my spirit again. I'm at the beginning of a journey of healing and it involves all aspects - mental, physical, and spiritual. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but here I go.