Adoration.

A couple of week ago, instead of looking for jobs, I spent the evening chatting online with two friends. Two separate conversations were going on for a long while with two friends (who know each other) that I now live 12 hours away from. The two know each other and, at some point, discovered that I was chatting with the other person - not that it was supposed to be a secret.

At this point, the chat with each of them became a platonic love fest for the other - with me serving as the go-between and laughing heartily. Shortly, the conversation spilled over to twitter and became a three-way platonic love fest between all three of us.

After one of my friends left, my other friend and I discussed adoration. People don't adore enough - or if they do adore one another, people just don't say it. And, it needs to be said. Every time I say it, I am reminded how lucky I am, how full of life and love and laughter my life is because of the people in it. So say it. I adore you. I adore him. I adore her.

So, here, in no particular order, and not an exhaustive list, are some of the many people I adore:

Vanessa, my sister in life, who taught me about art and beauty
Amy, my sister in the law, whom I learn about being a woman attorney from everyday
Ericka, my sister in soul, who reminds me to treat myself better and feed my soul
Matt, my patient friend, who shows me endless graciousness with his time
Mel, my wild friend, who reminds me to let myself be a little wild every now and then.
Andy, my rational friend, who reminds me to worry less than I do
Beth, my powerhouse friend, who reminds me to bring the sass and the feistiness every single day (there are days when I don't want to)

I adore you, and more, so very much.

Another day, not earning any dollars.

The job hunt continues. The hope that a document review job will come up soon. I realize it is early in the month, but I do need to earn some money to pay my bills, keep my health insurance, etc.

So, universe, help me out, will you? And, if you read this, please send some good thoughts my way.

Why I love Bono.

Yes, I know. Celebs. But, here is another reason to love Bono. Enjoy.

Late in the day

Late in the day I realized that I was supposed to start what would have been my job today. Glad it was later, rather than sooner, that I realize that today was that day.

Responses to this revelation when shared with others have been from the profane. (Have to love your friends.)

In the end, I am sad. I'm allowed to be sad. The rage is gone, but sadness I'll allow.

I know I'll be fine and I will find something better. Just going to take time.

In other news, my fantastic ability to maintain long-term patience is being joined by a new found ability to have short-term patience. Who knew?

Some days.

Some days I just don't know what to write. Today, although still in a good mood, still in joy, was a bit harder. I just miss someone. Plain and simple.

It is hard to miss someone. There are those little things. Funny little occurrences that trigger memories of shared jokes that only the other person would get or appreciate. Who do you tell now?

The urge to share your day, as you have for practically every single day for the previous year, with that person. To ask about the other person's day. Who do you ask about their day now? Who do you tell your day to?

Then there is just the plain conversation. Gone. And, it's s hole - in your day, in your being, and, sometimes, in your soul. There is a bit of an ache in the heart , which is both good and bad. It reminds you that you feel, but also that something isn't there.

Then, there is also the part that makes you feel like an idiot for liking someone for so long who didn't like you. How did you not see it? And, then you remember how good it is to like someone and how alive it makes you feel. How, even after 10 years, it is good to take a chance on someone, and it will be good to do it again.

There's a lot of change right now for me. A hell of a lot. I don't know how long it will take to get past the heartache, past the liking, to a place where I can be a friend without any additional interest. Going through this and all the rest. It could be months. Only time will tell.

Until then, I allow myself to miss, allow myself to feel silly, and smile at both. I acknowledge I'm human and look forward to finding a person who reciprocates.

Some day.

What to do on a Saturday night?

Well, I'm watching my only alma mater with a football team in a bowl. Yes, the good ol' Spartans are playing Texas Tech right about now. I'm watching from RAZ's place, complete with tea to compete with the 50 MPH wind gusts outside.

I am also going to rave about the little bit of technology I am allowed during my Digital Cleanse. In case you don't know, the Digital Cleanse is the brain child of one John Mayer (Yes, that John Mayer). So far, so good. I'll keep you posted, but I'm not missing Facebook or Twitter too much. Who knew?

So many reasons to love Ricky Gervais

Not in the least of which is his song choices on his blog. Haven't read his blog? Find it here. Oh, and register for his website while you are at it.

Another reason? This of course.

It's My Year.

I hope you were able to ring in the new year in a big and bold way. I participated in my own ritual. In all of this, the last three years of law school and since September, I have paid bare attention to my spirit. And, last night, I did. I couldn't keep from smiling all day long, even during the hard parts, when a tears flowed over and down my face, I had a smile on. I went to a movie and then went for a walk through the city. A lot of the city. In the pouring rain. And it was wonderful. I spoke my letter to the universe, of which I am a part, of in which because i am a part, I have a say. i have a voice. I voiced what I learned and what I needed. I voiced what I was letting go and what I embraced. I told the universe how helping me allows meto help others. And, I asked for something for each of those people I loved. All along my walk, I took deep breathes. In and out. Each time I exhaled, I let go of the rage, the anger, the sadness, and the heartbreak that was the majority of my year. Each time I inhaled, I breathed in, I inhaled the positiveness, the optimism, the peace, and the love that was around so that it began to flow through my blood. I walked and walked. I stopped at the Washington Monument and I walked around and looked up and sat and stood. And I kept breathing... I saw it all leave with each exgale and felt it all enter with each inhale. Smiling the entire. Sometimes with tears. And after midnight, the few people at the Washington Monument that had grown to a hundred, erupted in cheers and shouts of Happy New Year. As I and others left, people stopped one another and we all shared in the hope that is in the new year, in 2010. In My Year.

That is what I did. I found my spirit again. I'm at the beginning of a journey of healing and it involves all aspects - mental, physical, and spiritual. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but here I go.

random musings on my best friend

So I calmly sit while my best friend runs around in his usual packing frenzy. It is his ritual - and I am calm. For some reason, I always find his ritual calming. We all have them - you know you do - the rituals we have to deal with packing for any trip. I think the ritual grows exponentially in terms of time, complexity, and degree of frenzy based on how far and how long you travel. Bearing that in mine, tonight is topping out - exponentially speaking.

I am sad he is leaving, although I know he will be back. We have not seen much of one another since I returned. He has been drowning in reading and writing assignments for graduate degree program. (I would almost swear he is doing more work than I did in law school - almost.) He sat by while I took three years to make one of my life's dreams come true. He was always full of encouragement and always full of pride. I've never known someone to believe in me so fully, so completely, and without any expectations of anything in return. I never even knew a man could be that way. I've never known any other to be that way.



So, I sit here. Writing about him. Proud of him and his accomplishments, sitting on the side and cheering him on, and without any expectations of anything in return.

It's a great thing to get to that point in a friendship. We've known one another for 16 years now - and that is a long time. We have both changed a lot. For better and for worse, no doubt. Inhibitions have gone and sometimes, just sometimes, I think we are too comfortable in front of one another. At least we can be amused by that… and we always are. Isn't that how it should be with your best friend after all?

Back in the game.

So, here I am… Back on my blog. And a hell of a lot has happened.

First, and foremost, a hole was blown into my world about three months ago when my job offer was effectively and unofficially rescinded. The future that I had seen in my head for, well, a few years at least, was wiped clean. I had been planning on some sense of financial security, a nice place to live (worthy of my years of work and my age), and the ability to help the people in my life. I had seen time spent with the people that have come to be my family in Michigan - and the challenge of finding new friends to add to that family. I had felt some sense of security. And, that is gone.

I do not know that I can effectively describe how I felt after that phone call. A punch to the gut. A headache. A large sense of rage. Rage that will take a long time to fade I now know. So, I decided to go back to DC. Instinctively. Where else where I go? The people I'd known the longest, other than my family, reside in DC, and I have missed them for three long years. Yet, at the same time, I feel acute pain for leaving behind my new family.

So, here I am. In DC. For about 6 or 7 weeks now. And I am just starting to snap out of it. I had some idea of how hard it is to return home when I spent a summer at my father's house at the age of 31. I left home for college at 18 (my mother's home) and never went back. Been effectively on my own since then. Still, I wasn't prepared, and I wish I'd realized how hard this would be.

I'm here and I'm lost. I admit it. I am normally in my head a lot out of the gate. That is just how I am wired I suppose. Sure, I can make a decent joke every now and again, I am fairly intelligent, I am not too awful to look at when I'm not carrying excess baggage on my frame, and I am a pretty decent person. But, I'm lost.

I have always had a very good sense of self. Now, though, I am left wondering: who am I? I am not the woman who left DC three and a half years ago. I cannot step back into her life. And I can certainly not pick up where I left off with my friends. We have all had distinct experience in those three years. I am now a lawyer. But, I am lawyer who expected, who planned on being in Michigan in a different life than I am now living. So, now I have to merge them or be them both and I am trying to figure out how, while letting go of a future that is no longer there: bustyredhead and lawyer. In a new old city. Missing some people and trying to catch up with others. How do I merge the ambitious, DC me, the one who wants to succeed, the one who wants to make a difference and be financially secure with the other me? The lawyer? And what about the other me? The me who found time to relax and enjoy life in Michigan? The one who laughed more than she had in years, who went out and enjoyed laser tag and video games and just being? Does that fit in DC?

Yes, I can hear two people in my head - stop being so dramatic. And, I appreciate that. I am overly dramatic? Absolutely. All the time? No. I think a lot, yes. But, I am also the type of person who has to have meaning in her work. Who has to enjoy it. I had a friend once tell me that she did not like her job, but did it because that job supported what she loved to do outside of work. It was disconcerting to me. I cannot imagine, over the long-term, spending the majority of the week engaged in work that does not hold meaning. First, life is just too damned short to spend 40+ hours a week, each week, doing something you hate. Second, how does one not go stir crazy in that environment? Finally, why can't one have both? Why shouldn't one engage in work she loves that supports the other activities she loves? So, I am not wrong to think about these issues. To decide what my path is. To proceed cautiously. I won't settle for less.

I also cannot, and will not, remove all drama from my life. I remember those moments, with drama, most vividly in my life. Those are the moments that change you, that alter you, that make you learn and grow. To not live through the drama , to not feel it, is to be stagnant I think. I have learned from the failed loves of my life. I have learned from the other failures - be they professional or personal. They were dramatic. I felt them acutely. I lived, I learned. Life, for me, is about living and loving and learning. Learning from the mistakes you made - which more often than not, do involve drama - and doing better. Learning what you do want and what you don't want. Loving those around you - and I do, with ferocity. Admittedly, I do need less drama. I need to worry less. (Still waiting on those classes someone once mentioned.) I am working on that. But, drama is the stuff of life.

So, where does all this leave me? Back in the game. I can feel the ambition pulsing through my veins. I can feel the need to keep the balance. I will make those things that are important to me happen, just on a different path: a job, financial security, a place to live for me, the ability to help my family, and love. The need to move forward and find what the road holds for me, while building myself anew to some degree. Look out... Back. In. The. Game.

By way of disclosure, I'm not editing this. Not even rereading. Just posting as it. If it offends you or there is an error, that's your issue. Not mine. Don't need that drama.

Brother Watch: Day Three

Not that big of a day. Brother was up until 5 am - and didn't get up until about 1:30. Oh, to be 19.

We went downtown to the North Side Summerfest - which was SOOOO much smaller than advertised. Still, we stayed for a band, laughed our asses off, and then want cruising around the city. I forgot how much I love the neighborhoods, cafe society, the fantastic buildings, and just, well, Chicago in general. it's home - and always will be.

i freed him from hanging with 'boring older sis' last night and sent him on his way. surprise, surprise... he made his 1 am curfew.

doesn't like the beatles?

So my friend just tweeted that his wife does not like The Beatles - and the entire time they dated he listened to Sgt. Pepper's.

How is this possible? Who doesn't like The Beatles? I mean, really? My cousin and her husband are married because of The Beatles. Their second son's name is Julian Sean.

I understand not liking other early rock - perhaps because it it too closely aligned to other forms of music one may not like. (This has never been me.) But, The Beatles?

I'm just... WOW. WOW.

My friend has now moved on to see if his wife likes Pink Floyd. But I have since found out she doesn't like Elvis.

I continue to be disturbed.

Brother Watch: Day Two

A slow and lazy day, here in the NW suburbs of Chicago. Little Bro had over a friend and they were up until 5:00 am playing video games and killing Nazis. (Sounds oddly familiar…)

So, I was up a little later than normal and slept a little later than normal. I was hard pressed to do much with the two 19 year olds snoring away, so it turned into not much more than a hangout day at home. I don't mind that - I mind the lack of fresh air. A/C on given the 90 degree weather. So, I hung out with the young men and had some very interesting conversations. Very impressed.

I did spend a lot of time today thinking about my Dad - and how much he has changed. He has been doing things that reveal more than I had expected given his recent Prostate Cancer diagnosis. I remember one person said to me that they had not seen my Dad in 20 years (this was about ten years ago) and in that time he had not changed. My immediate thought was that my Dad had never struck me as the 'evolutionary' type in his lifetime. That, however, has changed.

This is a man who is speaking to support groups. Entering chat rooms and finding others who have had experience with his surgeon. Talking to those with other treatment plans. Having lunch or dinner with these other cancer survivors he met online while on vacation. I couldn't be more prouder of his reaction to his diagnosis. Granted, my dad's cancer was caught very early, but he still could have gone the other way.

I'm so grateful to be at a point in my life where I can say I have probably had a good ten years of a good relationship with my Dad. That is a long time coming - and I know there is still a long time to go.

brother watch: day one

I am in the Greater Chicagoland Area for a week spending time with my little brother while my parents retirement home shop in The Villages.

The day started VERY early with a drive to the airport to drop off my parents. It is not a long drive, per se. However, it was long due to the Republican anti-health care legislation. My eyes were completely glazed over - and not from the early hour. I survived the lecture and the parents were - and safely arrived in Florida and the glorious Florida steamy weather.

My little (okay, so 19 is not sooo little) brother and I had a late start. He slept in and I had laundry to do. Then we went to the driving range. A three story driving range. That was a quick $20 of the $100 the parents left two adults for seven days. I have a feeling I'll be spending money I don't have so that we are not bored in the house the entire week. Oh, well.

My brother is a good kid. A very kid. I'm interested to watch him more and talk to him more this week. I think, in some ways, we are alike in that we both like our alone time to mull things over a bit. Interesting. Stay tuned for more…


Looking forward to a bike ride around the lake in the morning.

34. Thirty-four. 34!

I am 34 years old. I need to write that again: THIRTY-FOUR. It is true what they say - it all goes by in the blink of an eye. I remember when my mentor turned 60 - whispering in my ear that she still felt 16 most days. I think that is true. The body ages and the mind ages - but the soul stays young and curious. I remember the fearlessness I had as a little girl. Somersaults in the yard. Asking questions. Looking for all the answers. I realize I need to bring a bit of that back into life.

Sometimes I think a convergence of events brings a person to a knew place of truth - and it happens a few times in life. Interestingly, the last time for me was shortly before turning 30. I am 34 with five months of relative freedom before me - and the ability to find me again. That is what I intend to do. I suppose here are a few of the reasons why…

First, the bar exam and law school change you. And, that is the point, of course - to break you down and build you back up into a lawyer. Some of those changes are for the better and some are for the worse. You know it as a law student and the challenge, of course, is to retain some of who you are in the process. The part of you that is retained is pushed to the side or buried deep down in order to become a lawyer. And, then, at the end of three years is the bar exam - a sheer experiment in torture. Designed of course to license one, but I believe it more about the ritual of torture. When you come out on the other end (and hopefully never have to take the bar exam again) the process of finding you, remembering you, begins. It's not easy. To be sure, in order to make room for vast amounts of law, I have forgotten a plethora of everyday information in addition to just who it is I am.

Second, I finally had that first good day after law school and the bar - the one where I finally believe I have just started to tap into me and who I am. And I loved it. I basked in the simple things: being out of doors in the sun and a cool breeze; spending time with a friend; laughing loud and often; making an ass of myself enjoying it; taking in a good movie with a new friend; and quiet conversation and more with a man. I cannot remember being so carefree and fully engaged in life in a very long time.

Third, I saw "Julie & Julia" on that day. And, it moved me. Two things in particular. First, the fearlessness of Julia Child, a woman who most definitely ahead of her time in terms of spirit, joie de vivre. She had a passion, a goal, and, despite the world around her, and the naysayers, she realized her dream. She did so, and in the process, changed the world of food in the United States forever. Make no mistake… Without Julia Child there would be no Food TV, no Rachael Ray - and I could go on and on. The second thing that moved me was Meryl Streep's performance. I believe she was on a whole other level. She was Julia Child. Plain and simple. The joy she exuded on the screen. Oh, the joy.

All of this has lead to the simple conclusion that I have not been fearless. I have not been me. It is time to find me again. To be truthful. To be honest. To reclaim my power. This made for an interesting work-out today - alternating between tears and laughter on an elliptical.

Getting to truth requires one being honest with themselves and there are many ways in which I haven't. I have to be - to be me, to find me. So, here goes.

I have been abusive to my own body. That stops. No more. I will turn fear and anxiety into tools for making me better - rather than as an excuse to eat something I know damn well I do not need.

I was sexually abused by two different trusted individuals as a little girl. I forgive them for the unforgiveable. Voluntarily. Willfully. I forgive them for me - so that I can let go and move on. I say it because I know this had held me back - it has made me fearful of who a holistically healthy me can be as a woman - and what power me, at that point in my life, may or may not have. It is easier to cower in fear and use such things to hold you back, or it has been for me. But, no more. It ends for me. It ends for me and for all of the other women that such abuse has destroyed.

I am proud to be born in a time and an age where women have the ability and freedom to make choices for themselves. I am proud to be born in a time where women can make the ultimate choice and am outraged at the efforts to limit this ability. I have exercised that choice. With no regrets.

I have been blessed or lucky - maybe both - to have been surrounded by the most amazing friends a person could ask for throughout my adult life. I even have a few that have been around since my teenage days. They are my family. Many of them know me and understand me better than my own flesh and blood family. To them I say thank you for your love, your support, your friendship. It's a gift and I know that everyday. I vow to be a better friend than I have been.

I have been spending some of my spare time these last 8 or 9 months with a male friend. To him I apologize. He has not spent time with a me that was the best me. I held back. I wish that were different, but his laughter has helped me get through a tough year during which I suffered the loss of a great friendship that I still do not know how to repair, and believe is ultimately unrepairable. He and I talked often, at the beginning, of honesty.

And, I'll be honest. At some point one of us pulled back and the other failed to do anything about that. I wish one or the both of us had, because I do like him. And, I don't do that often. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He continues to teach me to worry less - which is no small feat. He calms me when I get to "Me" for my own good. I believe that he is ultimately very afraid of the vulnerability and intimacy involved in a relationship. I believe, although do not know for sure, that prior women treated him horribly - lacked honesty or lacked fidelity or both or worse. I believe all of these things have made him fearful of relationships. I have to say that I relate to all of these. Ultimately, I believe there is a hell of a lot more under his surface despite his numerous protestations to the contrary.

At the same time, I also believe that choice and honesty and fidelity can create a third path - one that is better than parents or other relationships that I have witnessed. I don't believe that this would be easy. I have no desire to change men. I know that in choosing to be with someone, a person does give up some things, but what one gets back is entirely worth it - support, fidelity, mutual need, someone to call you on your shit, a shoulder to cry on, and a person to laugh with. To talk to for hours. I think the choice to be with someone who does this for you on a daily basis is a choice full of endless beauty. It's so simple, yet so complex. The choice is divine.

So, here's to 34. I want to live it out loud, spherically, in every direction, explore new boundaries and find me. I want to take 34 live it so that it kicks the shit out of all of the years that preceded it. Here's to kicking the previous years to the curb. THIRTY FOUR.

i'm back...

the bar is over... more to come on that later.

until i am finished with my new entry, here is 25 Things About Me: Redux

So, in no particular order, twenty-five random things about me.


1. I miss my mom. Every single day. She is a shell of the woman that raised me to be independent, that told me I could do anything and be anything I wanted, and that taught me to be independent. She did it when being a single mother was still not 'right'. She worked for people who undervalued her work and intelligence and underpaid her for all of it. What is worse is that I do not know how to help her. But, I do know, that for as much as I would like to give up on her because every conversation breaks my heart, I never will. Thank you, AJM, for making me realize that.

2. I fiercely love my families - both the family that is my blood and the family that is my friends. I would do anything for them and guard them with all that I have.

3. I love my cats. They bring me joy and make me laugh incessantly. I am, like Eloise, a crazy cat lady in that regard. There is nothing like unconditional love.

4. I have a male friend. Probably my best friend in the world. He taught me more about what a man can and should be than any other man I know. He gives me unconditional trust and just believes in me, without expectation of anything in return, more than any other man (be he a love, lover, friend, or a relative) I have ever known. He tells me almost daily. He, RAZ, is a gift and I am grateful for him every single day. He has raised the bar and it cannot be lowered.

5. I unapologetically love Madonna. I always have and I always will. I don't care about the semi-scary plastic surgery and botox.

6. I love my boobs, my red hair, and my green eyes. Absolutely love those three things about myself.

7. I have panic attacks. I wake up in the middle of the night fearful of dying and not having done enough in the time I have. They come and go.

8. I have one tattoo. It was a gift from my parents for my birthday. As soon as the artist started I knew I wanted another. It is coming, post law school graduation.

9. I have a brother who is 15 years younger than I am. I love him dearly and I hope he knows that. I love that he moves to the beat of his own drum. I love looking at the world through his eyes. I love how deep he runs, and I wish more people saw this. I love that he is so smart and I hope and pray that he sees how smart he is. I need to spend more time with him.

10. I have a wild, wicked laugh that I inherited from my mom. When I was little, her laugh embarrassed me. I would elbow her constantly and tell her to be quiet.

11. Crazy things run through my crazy red head all day long. I cannot even begin to tell you what they are. Too many. Too crazy. Many are too inappropriate.

12. People need to learn how to use their turn signals when driving. I am not a mind reader. I do not know when and where you will turn, so do me a favor and use the damn thing.

13. I am an ambitious bitch. I plan on using my power for good.

14. I have been lucky to have been the recipient of the wisdom and knowledge and support and love of the most amazing women ever. There are too many to name, but every young girl in this world should be so lucky. They would all then be Slayers, and not just Potentials.

15. I believe in abortion on demand. At any time. Choice is choice.

16. I quit Catholicism after my first communion. I told my mom I wasn't going back. I told her that if God (if one exists) knows everything, then s/he knows what I did wrong and I do not need to go to confession. I also told her that I did not understand why the church put the fear of hell and the wrath of God in you if you don't go to church - when God is supposed to be about love. She did not make me go back.

17. I like aging. I like being able to look at the world through (hopefully) better and wiser eyes. Aging has brought me to a better place with my Dad.

18. I love law school. It was one of the best, if not the best, decision I ever made.

19. I sing all of the time. I cannot help it. The sound of voices in unison moves me inexplicably.

20. I go for long drives when I am in a funk. It clears my head. I like the idea that I can, in a short time, be in some place completely different. I wish that driving did not involve gas or environmental damage.

21. I don't technically have a sister, but I do have a sister. My mom and aunt are smart women. The two of us will never be alone and in a long, long time from now when we are old ladies, we will laugh and cry at the shared memories of the two women who raised us.

22. I snort when I laugh. I try to hide it, but can often fail miserably.

23. My grandmother was a convicted murderer. She was let out of prison because the governor loved her red velvet cake.

24. Carrie belongs with Big. Joey belongs with Pacey. Lorelei belongs with Luke. End of story.

25. I knew Tim would marry Emmi the moment I met her.

sabbatical.

on sabbatical until after the bar - unless i need to vent.

off to vienna.

i leave for vienna for another round of the vis international moot arbitration competition. ten days in austria and a minimum of four days of competition. the university of vienna hosts - always the week before easter. the competition focuses on using various UNCITRAL conventions and model laws and is in vienna because UNCITRAL is in vienna.

six of us, including our coach, are heading over. i am hoping we advance this year to the 'brackets', or vis' own april madness.

will update more from the road - hopefully with a jaunt to salzburg.

been busy.

been busy. such is a the life a 3L. making sure you have all of your requirements knocked out. working on papers. working on oral arguments. traveling to moot arbitration competitions. traveling to conferences. practicing for moot arbitration competitions. spending time with an interesting man. registering for bar review. applying for more loans. family drama. life drama. traveling to the actual moot arbitration competition. journal.

i need a vacation.

sigh.

february is maddening. too much to do. from bar application to conference to memos to oral arguments.

can't a gal get a mental health break?