34. Thirty-four. 34!

I am 34 years old. I need to write that again: THIRTY-FOUR. It is true what they say - it all goes by in the blink of an eye. I remember when my mentor turned 60 - whispering in my ear that she still felt 16 most days. I think that is true. The body ages and the mind ages - but the soul stays young and curious. I remember the fearlessness I had as a little girl. Somersaults in the yard. Asking questions. Looking for all the answers. I realize I need to bring a bit of that back into life.

Sometimes I think a convergence of events brings a person to a knew place of truth - and it happens a few times in life. Interestingly, the last time for me was shortly before turning 30. I am 34 with five months of relative freedom before me - and the ability to find me again. That is what I intend to do. I suppose here are a few of the reasons why…

First, the bar exam and law school change you. And, that is the point, of course - to break you down and build you back up into a lawyer. Some of those changes are for the better and some are for the worse. You know it as a law student and the challenge, of course, is to retain some of who you are in the process. The part of you that is retained is pushed to the side or buried deep down in order to become a lawyer. And, then, at the end of three years is the bar exam - a sheer experiment in torture. Designed of course to license one, but I believe it more about the ritual of torture. When you come out on the other end (and hopefully never have to take the bar exam again) the process of finding you, remembering you, begins. It's not easy. To be sure, in order to make room for vast amounts of law, I have forgotten a plethora of everyday information in addition to just who it is I am.

Second, I finally had that first good day after law school and the bar - the one where I finally believe I have just started to tap into me and who I am. And I loved it. I basked in the simple things: being out of doors in the sun and a cool breeze; spending time with a friend; laughing loud and often; making an ass of myself enjoying it; taking in a good movie with a new friend; and quiet conversation and more with a man. I cannot remember being so carefree and fully engaged in life in a very long time.

Third, I saw "Julie & Julia" on that day. And, it moved me. Two things in particular. First, the fearlessness of Julia Child, a woman who most definitely ahead of her time in terms of spirit, joie de vivre. She had a passion, a goal, and, despite the world around her, and the naysayers, she realized her dream. She did so, and in the process, changed the world of food in the United States forever. Make no mistake… Without Julia Child there would be no Food TV, no Rachael Ray - and I could go on and on. The second thing that moved me was Meryl Streep's performance. I believe she was on a whole other level. She was Julia Child. Plain and simple. The joy she exuded on the screen. Oh, the joy.

All of this has lead to the simple conclusion that I have not been fearless. I have not been me. It is time to find me again. To be truthful. To be honest. To reclaim my power. This made for an interesting work-out today - alternating between tears and laughter on an elliptical.

Getting to truth requires one being honest with themselves and there are many ways in which I haven't. I have to be - to be me, to find me. So, here goes.

I have been abusive to my own body. That stops. No more. I will turn fear and anxiety into tools for making me better - rather than as an excuse to eat something I know damn well I do not need.

I was sexually abused by two different trusted individuals as a little girl. I forgive them for the unforgiveable. Voluntarily. Willfully. I forgive them for me - so that I can let go and move on. I say it because I know this had held me back - it has made me fearful of who a holistically healthy me can be as a woman - and what power me, at that point in my life, may or may not have. It is easier to cower in fear and use such things to hold you back, or it has been for me. But, no more. It ends for me. It ends for me and for all of the other women that such abuse has destroyed.

I am proud to be born in a time and an age where women have the ability and freedom to make choices for themselves. I am proud to be born in a time where women can make the ultimate choice and am outraged at the efforts to limit this ability. I have exercised that choice. With no regrets.

I have been blessed or lucky - maybe both - to have been surrounded by the most amazing friends a person could ask for throughout my adult life. I even have a few that have been around since my teenage days. They are my family. Many of them know me and understand me better than my own flesh and blood family. To them I say thank you for your love, your support, your friendship. It's a gift and I know that everyday. I vow to be a better friend than I have been.

I have been spending some of my spare time these last 8 or 9 months with a male friend. To him I apologize. He has not spent time with a me that was the best me. I held back. I wish that were different, but his laughter has helped me get through a tough year during which I suffered the loss of a great friendship that I still do not know how to repair, and believe is ultimately unrepairable. He and I talked often, at the beginning, of honesty.

And, I'll be honest. At some point one of us pulled back and the other failed to do anything about that. I wish one or the both of us had, because I do like him. And, I don't do that often. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He continues to teach me to worry less - which is no small feat. He calms me when I get to "Me" for my own good. I believe that he is ultimately very afraid of the vulnerability and intimacy involved in a relationship. I believe, although do not know for sure, that prior women treated him horribly - lacked honesty or lacked fidelity or both or worse. I believe all of these things have made him fearful of relationships. I have to say that I relate to all of these. Ultimately, I believe there is a hell of a lot more under his surface despite his numerous protestations to the contrary.

At the same time, I also believe that choice and honesty and fidelity can create a third path - one that is better than parents or other relationships that I have witnessed. I don't believe that this would be easy. I have no desire to change men. I know that in choosing to be with someone, a person does give up some things, but what one gets back is entirely worth it - support, fidelity, mutual need, someone to call you on your shit, a shoulder to cry on, and a person to laugh with. To talk to for hours. I think the choice to be with someone who does this for you on a daily basis is a choice full of endless beauty. It's so simple, yet so complex. The choice is divine.

So, here's to 34. I want to live it out loud, spherically, in every direction, explore new boundaries and find me. I want to take 34 live it so that it kicks the shit out of all of the years that preceded it. Here's to kicking the previous years to the curb. THIRTY FOUR.