Brother Watch: Day Three

Not that big of a day. Brother was up until 5 am - and didn't get up until about 1:30. Oh, to be 19.

We went downtown to the North Side Summerfest - which was SOOOO much smaller than advertised. Still, we stayed for a band, laughed our asses off, and then want cruising around the city. I forgot how much I love the neighborhoods, cafe society, the fantastic buildings, and just, well, Chicago in general. it's home - and always will be.

i freed him from hanging with 'boring older sis' last night and sent him on his way. surprise, surprise... he made his 1 am curfew.

doesn't like the beatles?

So my friend just tweeted that his wife does not like The Beatles - and the entire time they dated he listened to Sgt. Pepper's.

How is this possible? Who doesn't like The Beatles? I mean, really? My cousin and her husband are married because of The Beatles. Their second son's name is Julian Sean.

I understand not liking other early rock - perhaps because it it too closely aligned to other forms of music one may not like. (This has never been me.) But, The Beatles?

I'm just... WOW. WOW.

My friend has now moved on to see if his wife likes Pink Floyd. But I have since found out she doesn't like Elvis.

I continue to be disturbed.

Brother Watch: Day Two

A slow and lazy day, here in the NW suburbs of Chicago. Little Bro had over a friend and they were up until 5:00 am playing video games and killing Nazis. (Sounds oddly familiar…)

So, I was up a little later than normal and slept a little later than normal. I was hard pressed to do much with the two 19 year olds snoring away, so it turned into not much more than a hangout day at home. I don't mind that - I mind the lack of fresh air. A/C on given the 90 degree weather. So, I hung out with the young men and had some very interesting conversations. Very impressed.

I did spend a lot of time today thinking about my Dad - and how much he has changed. He has been doing things that reveal more than I had expected given his recent Prostate Cancer diagnosis. I remember one person said to me that they had not seen my Dad in 20 years (this was about ten years ago) and in that time he had not changed. My immediate thought was that my Dad had never struck me as the 'evolutionary' type in his lifetime. That, however, has changed.

This is a man who is speaking to support groups. Entering chat rooms and finding others who have had experience with his surgeon. Talking to those with other treatment plans. Having lunch or dinner with these other cancer survivors he met online while on vacation. I couldn't be more prouder of his reaction to his diagnosis. Granted, my dad's cancer was caught very early, but he still could have gone the other way.

I'm so grateful to be at a point in my life where I can say I have probably had a good ten years of a good relationship with my Dad. That is a long time coming - and I know there is still a long time to go.

brother watch: day one

I am in the Greater Chicagoland Area for a week spending time with my little brother while my parents retirement home shop in The Villages.

The day started VERY early with a drive to the airport to drop off my parents. It is not a long drive, per se. However, it was long due to the Republican anti-health care legislation. My eyes were completely glazed over - and not from the early hour. I survived the lecture and the parents were - and safely arrived in Florida and the glorious Florida steamy weather.

My little (okay, so 19 is not sooo little) brother and I had a late start. He slept in and I had laundry to do. Then we went to the driving range. A three story driving range. That was a quick $20 of the $100 the parents left two adults for seven days. I have a feeling I'll be spending money I don't have so that we are not bored in the house the entire week. Oh, well.

My brother is a good kid. A very kid. I'm interested to watch him more and talk to him more this week. I think, in some ways, we are alike in that we both like our alone time to mull things over a bit. Interesting. Stay tuned for more…


Looking forward to a bike ride around the lake in the morning.

34. Thirty-four. 34!

I am 34 years old. I need to write that again: THIRTY-FOUR. It is true what they say - it all goes by in the blink of an eye. I remember when my mentor turned 60 - whispering in my ear that she still felt 16 most days. I think that is true. The body ages and the mind ages - but the soul stays young and curious. I remember the fearlessness I had as a little girl. Somersaults in the yard. Asking questions. Looking for all the answers. I realize I need to bring a bit of that back into life.

Sometimes I think a convergence of events brings a person to a knew place of truth - and it happens a few times in life. Interestingly, the last time for me was shortly before turning 30. I am 34 with five months of relative freedom before me - and the ability to find me again. That is what I intend to do. I suppose here are a few of the reasons why…

First, the bar exam and law school change you. And, that is the point, of course - to break you down and build you back up into a lawyer. Some of those changes are for the better and some are for the worse. You know it as a law student and the challenge, of course, is to retain some of who you are in the process. The part of you that is retained is pushed to the side or buried deep down in order to become a lawyer. And, then, at the end of three years is the bar exam - a sheer experiment in torture. Designed of course to license one, but I believe it more about the ritual of torture. When you come out on the other end (and hopefully never have to take the bar exam again) the process of finding you, remembering you, begins. It's not easy. To be sure, in order to make room for vast amounts of law, I have forgotten a plethora of everyday information in addition to just who it is I am.

Second, I finally had that first good day after law school and the bar - the one where I finally believe I have just started to tap into me and who I am. And I loved it. I basked in the simple things: being out of doors in the sun and a cool breeze; spending time with a friend; laughing loud and often; making an ass of myself enjoying it; taking in a good movie with a new friend; and quiet conversation and more with a man. I cannot remember being so carefree and fully engaged in life in a very long time.

Third, I saw "Julie & Julia" on that day. And, it moved me. Two things in particular. First, the fearlessness of Julia Child, a woman who most definitely ahead of her time in terms of spirit, joie de vivre. She had a passion, a goal, and, despite the world around her, and the naysayers, she realized her dream. She did so, and in the process, changed the world of food in the United States forever. Make no mistake… Without Julia Child there would be no Food TV, no Rachael Ray - and I could go on and on. The second thing that moved me was Meryl Streep's performance. I believe she was on a whole other level. She was Julia Child. Plain and simple. The joy she exuded on the screen. Oh, the joy.

All of this has lead to the simple conclusion that I have not been fearless. I have not been me. It is time to find me again. To be truthful. To be honest. To reclaim my power. This made for an interesting work-out today - alternating between tears and laughter on an elliptical.

Getting to truth requires one being honest with themselves and there are many ways in which I haven't. I have to be - to be me, to find me. So, here goes.

I have been abusive to my own body. That stops. No more. I will turn fear and anxiety into tools for making me better - rather than as an excuse to eat something I know damn well I do not need.

I was sexually abused by two different trusted individuals as a little girl. I forgive them for the unforgiveable. Voluntarily. Willfully. I forgive them for me - so that I can let go and move on. I say it because I know this had held me back - it has made me fearful of who a holistically healthy me can be as a woman - and what power me, at that point in my life, may or may not have. It is easier to cower in fear and use such things to hold you back, or it has been for me. But, no more. It ends for me. It ends for me and for all of the other women that such abuse has destroyed.

I am proud to be born in a time and an age where women have the ability and freedom to make choices for themselves. I am proud to be born in a time where women can make the ultimate choice and am outraged at the efforts to limit this ability. I have exercised that choice. With no regrets.

I have been blessed or lucky - maybe both - to have been surrounded by the most amazing friends a person could ask for throughout my adult life. I even have a few that have been around since my teenage days. They are my family. Many of them know me and understand me better than my own flesh and blood family. To them I say thank you for your love, your support, your friendship. It's a gift and I know that everyday. I vow to be a better friend than I have been.

I have been spending some of my spare time these last 8 or 9 months with a male friend. To him I apologize. He has not spent time with a me that was the best me. I held back. I wish that were different, but his laughter has helped me get through a tough year during which I suffered the loss of a great friendship that I still do not know how to repair, and believe is ultimately unrepairable. He and I talked often, at the beginning, of honesty.

And, I'll be honest. At some point one of us pulled back and the other failed to do anything about that. I wish one or the both of us had, because I do like him. And, I don't do that often. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He continues to teach me to worry less - which is no small feat. He calms me when I get to "Me" for my own good. I believe that he is ultimately very afraid of the vulnerability and intimacy involved in a relationship. I believe, although do not know for sure, that prior women treated him horribly - lacked honesty or lacked fidelity or both or worse. I believe all of these things have made him fearful of relationships. I have to say that I relate to all of these. Ultimately, I believe there is a hell of a lot more under his surface despite his numerous protestations to the contrary.

At the same time, I also believe that choice and honesty and fidelity can create a third path - one that is better than parents or other relationships that I have witnessed. I don't believe that this would be easy. I have no desire to change men. I know that in choosing to be with someone, a person does give up some things, but what one gets back is entirely worth it - support, fidelity, mutual need, someone to call you on your shit, a shoulder to cry on, and a person to laugh with. To talk to for hours. I think the choice to be with someone who does this for you on a daily basis is a choice full of endless beauty. It's so simple, yet so complex. The choice is divine.

So, here's to 34. I want to live it out loud, spherically, in every direction, explore new boundaries and find me. I want to take 34 live it so that it kicks the shit out of all of the years that preceded it. Here's to kicking the previous years to the curb. THIRTY FOUR.

i'm back...

the bar is over... more to come on that later.

until i am finished with my new entry, here is 25 Things About Me: Redux

So, in no particular order, twenty-five random things about me.


1. I miss my mom. Every single day. She is a shell of the woman that raised me to be independent, that told me I could do anything and be anything I wanted, and that taught me to be independent. She did it when being a single mother was still not 'right'. She worked for people who undervalued her work and intelligence and underpaid her for all of it. What is worse is that I do not know how to help her. But, I do know, that for as much as I would like to give up on her because every conversation breaks my heart, I never will. Thank you, AJM, for making me realize that.

2. I fiercely love my families - both the family that is my blood and the family that is my friends. I would do anything for them and guard them with all that I have.

3. I love my cats. They bring me joy and make me laugh incessantly. I am, like Eloise, a crazy cat lady in that regard. There is nothing like unconditional love.

4. I have a male friend. Probably my best friend in the world. He taught me more about what a man can and should be than any other man I know. He gives me unconditional trust and just believes in me, without expectation of anything in return, more than any other man (be he a love, lover, friend, or a relative) I have ever known. He tells me almost daily. He, RAZ, is a gift and I am grateful for him every single day. He has raised the bar and it cannot be lowered.

5. I unapologetically love Madonna. I always have and I always will. I don't care about the semi-scary plastic surgery and botox.

6. I love my boobs, my red hair, and my green eyes. Absolutely love those three things about myself.

7. I have panic attacks. I wake up in the middle of the night fearful of dying and not having done enough in the time I have. They come and go.

8. I have one tattoo. It was a gift from my parents for my birthday. As soon as the artist started I knew I wanted another. It is coming, post law school graduation.

9. I have a brother who is 15 years younger than I am. I love him dearly and I hope he knows that. I love that he moves to the beat of his own drum. I love looking at the world through his eyes. I love how deep he runs, and I wish more people saw this. I love that he is so smart and I hope and pray that he sees how smart he is. I need to spend more time with him.

10. I have a wild, wicked laugh that I inherited from my mom. When I was little, her laugh embarrassed me. I would elbow her constantly and tell her to be quiet.

11. Crazy things run through my crazy red head all day long. I cannot even begin to tell you what they are. Too many. Too crazy. Many are too inappropriate.

12. People need to learn how to use their turn signals when driving. I am not a mind reader. I do not know when and where you will turn, so do me a favor and use the damn thing.

13. I am an ambitious bitch. I plan on using my power for good.

14. I have been lucky to have been the recipient of the wisdom and knowledge and support and love of the most amazing women ever. There are too many to name, but every young girl in this world should be so lucky. They would all then be Slayers, and not just Potentials.

15. I believe in abortion on demand. At any time. Choice is choice.

16. I quit Catholicism after my first communion. I told my mom I wasn't going back. I told her that if God (if one exists) knows everything, then s/he knows what I did wrong and I do not need to go to confession. I also told her that I did not understand why the church put the fear of hell and the wrath of God in you if you don't go to church - when God is supposed to be about love. She did not make me go back.

17. I like aging. I like being able to look at the world through (hopefully) better and wiser eyes. Aging has brought me to a better place with my Dad.

18. I love law school. It was one of the best, if not the best, decision I ever made.

19. I sing all of the time. I cannot help it. The sound of voices in unison moves me inexplicably.

20. I go for long drives when I am in a funk. It clears my head. I like the idea that I can, in a short time, be in some place completely different. I wish that driving did not involve gas or environmental damage.

21. I don't technically have a sister, but I do have a sister. My mom and aunt are smart women. The two of us will never be alone and in a long, long time from now when we are old ladies, we will laugh and cry at the shared memories of the two women who raised us.

22. I snort when I laugh. I try to hide it, but can often fail miserably.

23. My grandmother was a convicted murderer. She was let out of prison because the governor loved her red velvet cake.

24. Carrie belongs with Big. Joey belongs with Pacey. Lorelei belongs with Luke. End of story.

25. I knew Tim would marry Emmi the moment I met her.