the newsroom.

okay.  last episode of the shorter by one episode second season of the newsroom.  that was close to home.  rarely do television shows make me hyperventilate through tears.  being in love with someone you work with whose treatment is harsh.  that resonates.

time to start writing again.

i haven't written anything in a long while.  i've just started to realize that it has been a very long time.  and, i used to love writing.  truth is, i still do.  i've just become lazy.  but, the time has come to snap out of it and to reengage in all of the activities i love.  been using too many things as my safety net to prevent myself from being in the game. building my own hurdles.  making my own barricades.  but, that stops now.  i'm recommitting to a post a day and to sharing the varied and random things on my mind, even if no one reads this but me.

enjoy the season finale of mad men.  enjoy the new true blood.  i'll be back with you tomorrow.

Saying good-bye.

Saying good-bye to someone you love and respect beyond measure is oh so hard.

Thirty-five, and I know the heart of my life is good.

Thirty-five. Today I am thirty-five. I remember my mentor once telling me how surprising it is at how fast life goes by - and it's true.

But, here I am. Thirty-five. 35. And, oh, what a year it has been. A year of highs and a year of very low lows. I'm here, though. I've made it through.

Here's a recap.

Low: Having my law firm offer become a soft offer, which is no offer. Essentially the equivalent of being emotionally, psychologically, and professionally shot in the gut. That is what it felt like, both the immediacy and the after affects. The life I had planned on for a year was gone in the span of a phone call. And, it wasn't just the immediate day-to-day things that were gone, but the future things. At every turn something new came up to remind me what I had lost.
High: Moving back to DC.

Low: My dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer.

High: My dad still being with me. My dad beating cancer. It is not lost on me how lucky my family is.

Low: Telling a man that a high five was wholly inappropriate after sex. (The high five conversation was the low point, not the sex. Side note: three times when it may be appropriate. 1. The actors involved are huge sports fans - they eat, drink, and live sports. 2. The actors involved are parents who are too busy to ever have sex such that when they find the time, finding the time plus the act result in a celebratory high five. 3. The actors involved discover or do something so wholly revolutionary as to create a new paradigm that defines what sex is.)
High: Telling a man that the night I spent with him was the most tender experience I had ever had with a man. And there was no sex.

Low: Not having had a conversation with my sister in eight months. I miss her, love her, and think of her every single day.
High: The hoards of new friends that have come into my life since moving back. It is reaffirming to know how good and kind people truly are. I mean you Veena, Susan, Janice, Jackie, and Andrea.

Low: Having to give up my home, having no money for stretches at a time, and feeling altogether lost.
High: The overwhelming love and support I have felt from my friends and family over the last year. Whether some of them purposely got together to discuss providing me with a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and respect and belief in me, or some of them just did it on their own, I now know what it means to have a heart so full of love, that your heart feels as though it would burst. Many, many times I felt that amount of love. I continue to.

High: My friend Dave, one of the first people I called after losing my offer, who told me: I know your life story. You've been through more crap than anyone else I know. You've also been through worse. I know you'll get through this, too.

High: My friends far from me who regularly checked in with me, talked to me, and let me unload as I struggled to figure out when and how I fit and belonged back in DC. You know how you are - Amy, Matty, Beth, Mel, Jon, Andy.

High: My friend Anne, giving me a home and sharing her humor. I am so glad for the time with Anne. We have become much better friends than I think we might otherwise have ever been. So grateful for her opening her home - but, more importantly, that time with her.

High: My friends Danielle & Demetrios, who also opened their home to me. They let me in while their first child was still a baby. They gave me the honor and the pleasure of watching my beloved Stella grow from a baby to a toddler. That's a gift - much more than the shelter they provided. I'm so honored to know them and to have been a part of their family for those months.

High: Ericka and Sheri and Nora - who always knew when I needed a hug or a laugh or a shoulder to cry on. Who always gave advice. Invaluable.

High: My dear friend Rabih, who, no matter what, has always unfailingly believed in me and regularly tells me so. He always knew when I needed something, and to preserve my pride, offered before I ever had to ask. He also provides me with shelter - and a sense of peace.

High: My dear friend Dan, who let me in when he needed someone and let me cry when I needed to, even though at times he was going through much worse. That is friendship.

High: My Aunt Sue. My spiritual guru, who reminds me this is my year, who reminds me to let other people have their joy in helping me - as people want to help. She has been my guide to accepting the grace of others, which is so hard when you have been raised to be independent. I see it , Aunt Sue. I am grateful for it, Aunt Sue. Thank you, Aunt Sue.

I've been angry. I've been raging. I've cried more tears than should be humanly possible. I've known joy at the simple things, at the little things. I have felt optimism. I've laughed loud and long. I've arrived at fearless - at creating my own rules and being unapologetic. I'm beginning to feel the gutsy me I once was. I am becoming more at home in my own skin than I have ever been.

So, in sum, as I said earlier, an up and down year. But, I wouldn't be here without the love and support of those I love, particularly my friends. If I could, I'd sing this to each one of you. Since I can't, I hope you'll take a few minutes to listen and understand that each of these friends - that gave my love, that gave my a home, that gave me food, that gave me a shoulder to cry on, that gave me laughter - are the reasons why the heart of my life is good.

Been busy.

So, I've been busy. As a result, been away. The contract lawyering I have been doing is kicking my butt. Barely time to make it to the gym and then home to get ready for the next day. Tired is me. I'll think of something better to write about tomorrow.

Adoration.

A couple of week ago, instead of looking for jobs, I spent the evening chatting online with two friends. Two separate conversations were going on for a long while with two friends (who know each other) that I now live 12 hours away from. The two know each other and, at some point, discovered that I was chatting with the other person - not that it was supposed to be a secret.

At this point, the chat with each of them became a platonic love fest for the other - with me serving as the go-between and laughing heartily. Shortly, the conversation spilled over to twitter and became a three-way platonic love fest between all three of us.

After one of my friends left, my other friend and I discussed adoration. People don't adore enough - or if they do adore one another, people just don't say it. And, it needs to be said. Every time I say it, I am reminded how lucky I am, how full of life and love and laughter my life is because of the people in it. So say it. I adore you. I adore him. I adore her.

So, here, in no particular order, and not an exhaustive list, are some of the many people I adore:

Vanessa, my sister in life, who taught me about art and beauty
Amy, my sister in the law, whom I learn about being a woman attorney from everyday
Ericka, my sister in soul, who reminds me to treat myself better and feed my soul
Matt, my patient friend, who shows me endless graciousness with his time
Mel, my wild friend, who reminds me to let myself be a little wild every now and then.
Andy, my rational friend, who reminds me to worry less than I do
Beth, my powerhouse friend, who reminds me to bring the sass and the feistiness every single day (there are days when I don't want to)

I adore you, and more, so very much.

Another day, not earning any dollars.

The job hunt continues. The hope that a document review job will come up soon. I realize it is early in the month, but I do need to earn some money to pay my bills, keep my health insurance, etc.

So, universe, help me out, will you? And, if you read this, please send some good thoughts my way.